How the Boys Are Doing

I've been debating whether or not to post this, and trying to decide how personal to get. It is, after all, their private life and not mine. But as we've been visiting with friends and family in Arizona, I realized people wonder about them and it would be good to say something at least. So, 10 months later, this is how the boys are doing.

In general, they're doing much better. It's still relatively early, and there are tough times ahead I'm sure. But it's better than it was.

I found a local grief group for children, which the boys LOVE! They meet twice a month, September through May. We begin with dinner, then an opening activity. Then the kids separate into three groups by age. John is in the oldest group, Ben and Chris are together in the middle group, plus there's a group for the really young ones. There are about 20 kids in the group, all of whom have lost their dads. While the kids are in their groups doing their activities, the adults meet together and have a support group type session.

The activities have been really helpful for the boys, and I find the support group helpful too. It gives me good perspective on how the boys are doing (I feel more confident that they'll be okay) and it makes me realize my blessings. There's a lot of single moms trying to deal with this all on their own, with no one to do "guy" things with their sons. I'm blessed to have a wonderful, supportive husband to help me through this and the boys are blessed to have a male figure in their lives who can do all the dad things for them.

The adult support group gave me a good idea one week. I mentioned that when Ben gets really sad about it, he says that what he misses most is his dad's big bear hugs. (Anyone who knew Brian would understand why.) So the counselor suggested we buy one of those gigantic teddy bears from Costco so the boys could hug the bear when they missed their dad. After the session, I asked the boys if they liked that idea and they got really excited about it. The next day "Chef Bear" came home with us and found his place in a cozy corner of the living room. It hasn't been a sad, mopey kind of experience with the bear. The boys enjoy it and it's been really positive for them. 

The last activity in May was a butterfly release. It was so cool and the boys had fun with their butterflies. Course, Ben was freaked out at first cuz his landed on his shirt, but he got over it eventually.

Ben and Chris also participated in a few grief group sessions ran by their school's counselor. They didn't like those as much. I think part of it was because they were made to talk even when they didn't feel like it, and part of it was because they had a bad experience their first session. The counselor had the kids (there are 3 beside my two) pick a button from a pile on the table. This button somehow represented the person they lost, but I'm unclear what the connection was exactly. But at the end of the session, the counselor had them give the buttons back.

Now, I know she means well and I appreciate her trying, but this tells me she does not understand children and grief. You don't ask a child to connect their loved one with an item and then take that item away from them. Unless it's something you're "sending" to your loved one, like a butterfly or balloon release (we did a balloon release on Father's day).

On the other hand, this local grief group we all attend has been very positive for everyone, and the boys always leave with something in their hand (something they made as part of the activity that evening, which might have been about anger or memories or whatever). Once it was a cement stepping stone they made and decorated in remembrance of their dad. Once we all wrote private notes to Brian and put them in a pot, which we filled with soil and flowers. Even after the butterfly release, they couldn't take home a butterfly (not for Christopher's lack of trying) but they still left with small notebooks to write in over the summer. It's a great group and I love the adults running it. They really know what they're doing.

Well, I started writing more specific updates on the kids, but it's just too personal to post publicly, though I don't mind telling you in person if you ask me. I'll just say that John had a pretty rough patch, but we decided to homeschool him part-time and that has made a huge difference. He's more in control of his emotions, and more like a happy kid now. We'll see how this next school year progresses. Hopefully he can continue to heal. Chris, in short, became pretty withdrawn from his peers both at school and at scouts, but he's doing great at scouts now and will be starting a new school in the Fall (we weren't happy with the other school for a variety of reasons). Ben, as far as that stuff goes, has done great. He made a lot of friends at school and was able to keep his grades high (though not as high as normal) in spite of definitely having his moments of feeling overwhelmed, angry, or sad. He had a blast in Washington, D.C. and tested into a very advanced math and science school (it's a half day program, so he'll take his other classes at the junior high). Anyway, they all have healing to do and I don't mind admitting I'm not looking forward to the school year because the pressure of school can make things harder on everyone, including myself. But even if things aren't exactly easy come Fall, it'll be a lot easier than the last school year was. Right?

Anyway, last I'll say a little something about myself. While occasionally I still have to process the whole thing and try to understand my relationship and history with Brian, the hardest thing for me has been trying to come to a point of acceptance about the aftermath of Brian's death. My children will be feeling the affects for the rest of their lives, which means it's never going away for me as a mother either. I feel less angry toward Brian for what he did to the boys, and I'm glad for that. Anger is not a fun emotion. I do trust it will get better and easier with time. It is already easier to deal with than it was several months ago. I did have a moment of heaviness and resentment as I was buying the balloons for the Father's day release, but it was gone by the time I got home. It's getting easier. Kevin has been a rock for me, and I'm so grateful for that. Something else that's really helped has been getting back into my creative pursuits. Kevin encouraged me to release my book Gift of the Phoenix as an ebook (I'll post a link about this in a separate post) and I've also been writing my next book. It's been so nice to be creative again and has helped me heal and move forward in a positive way.

Speaking of Kevin, our relationship is definitely one of the positive things in my life. We both work from home, so you'd think we'd get tired of being together, but we don't. We enjoy one another's company so much. We inspire each other and support one another and have an open, honest relationship with no drama. It's a beautiful thing. While we all have the normal adjustment that comes with blending families, it's been relatively easy and going really well. And I just love my stepdaughters. They're all such a pleasure to have around, and we're lucky that all the kids get along well. Everyone's happy when we're all together. :)

Okay, enough blabbing. Thanks for listening, to whoever is still out there reading this blog.

Hugs.